Thursday, August 7, 2014

My Life - I Need to Vent

So I try to paint a relatively accurate picture of my life. I don't want to paint my life as all seashells and balloons 24/7/365. I don't think anyone's life is like that no matter how happy they are. Right now my personal life is all sharp broken seashells, sea glass that hasn't been polished by waves enough, and deflated and popped balloons. My parents are getting a divorce. I alluded to this earlier as it made E3's graduation interesting. But it's become slightly overwhelming lately. Moving has also caused complications. And, the world is falling apart.

Head Lice

Hubs went to the doctor yesterday morning because I had bugged him about it. He has some small problems that had bothered him for a long time. One of them was that his head itched. I have bad allergies so I itch all the time and thought nothing of it. Hubs had head lice. (He probably got it from one of his students.) He called me at work to tell me. (Using Foxy Lady as the ring tone for your husband and then not putting your phone on silent will result in embarrassment if he calls you at work.)

I use Hubs as a pillow 45% of nights and the rest of the nights we share a pillow. My head itches and it looks like I have head lice too. Hubs is going to have to comb out my afro with a nit pick. On the plus side it looks like I will be using a sick day on our anniversary so we can socially groom one another like the primates we are.

My Mom

My parents had been in counseling since I was in high school at least. They had trust issues. My sophomore year of college my dad bought a house without telling my mom. A few years after that my dad switched the beneficiary on his life insurance plan from my mom to my sisters and me and my mom flew off the handle. But they kept trying to make things work.

They kept at it until last March when my dad apparently bought a house for his secretary without telling my mom. She thinks he's having an affair. He's not. If you knew him you'd know how implausible that seems. My dad moved out. My mom hired a big shot lawyer who specializes in rich people divorces. They spent a year working on a post-nuptial agreement. That fell thru and my mom filed for divorce this spring.
via Kim Seng

I'll grudgingly admit my mom is justifiably paranoid, my dad has bought houses without telling her. But she has been so unreasonable lately! She told our guests at E3's graduation that he was going to come with his mistress! My dad just has his sister living near by and my mom is slandering my aunt too! My mom has been trying to limit the time we spend with her. E3 called me to vent about how our mom had fought with her about a visit she had planned with our paternal aunt.

The part that sparked this rant is that she won't stop getting us involved in their legal dispute. We keep telling them that we do not want to talk with them about the divorce in any detail. My dad generally respects this. Sometimes I regret asking him certain questions because there's no way for him to answer them without talking about he divorce.

But my mom ignores us. So last month she asked me to talk with my dad about the settlement agreement her attorney has proposed. She told me to "talk to him about the pros and cons as you see it from a legal point of view."

I was so upset when I saw this email in my inbox. I've told her I want to be supportive but I don't want to be involved. I have also told my parents a million times that I cannot give them legal advice because I am not admitted to the bar in their state and that I don't feel comfortable giving them legal advice because I don't like mixing professional and personal relationships (my respect and admiration for my parents clouds my professional judgment).

I took a couple of days to collect myself before responding by saying: "No. I love you both and I do not want to be perceived as taking sides. I think it is unfair that you have asked me to do this." Hubs said this seemed a bit harsh. In retrospect he's probably right but I really thought it was in appropriate for my mom to have asked the question in the first place.

I hopped in the shower and when I got out I had three angry crying voicemail messages from my mom.

She told me about how he felt hurt because her family (me and my sisters) were as supportive of her when she was going through breast cancer induced menopause as her sister-in-law's family was. She told me she was hurt because I was doing the same thing as my dad by refusing to talk to her. In the last message she left she expressed her own disappointment at having raised me to hide from people who were hurting instead of comforting them.

I decided to pretend like I hadn't heard any of the messages and sent her a text saying "I saw you called while I was in the shower." My grandma called me back and we talked.

My mom called later and kind of apologized.

A couple of weeks later, she cc'ed me and my siblings on an email in response to my dad about divorce things. And I was angry all over again.

I am still upset about my mom situation, as evidenced by this long post, and by the fact that I changed her ring tone to the scariest loudest alarm sounding ringtone on my phone. What I hate most about this whole thing is that I feel like this whole thing is mostly my dad's fault (who buys real estate without telling their spouse?!) But he's been the better parent throughout this mess. He doesn't go crazy and leave angry voicemail messages on my phone he doesn't talk about the divorce unless I bring it up first. It's so hard to be sympathetic to my mom's situation when I am down right afraid to tell her to respect my wishes regarding this. I almost feel like she doesn't care that my parents are getting divorced!
via Bernard Blanc

I also really resent how it feels like she's trying to keep me away from my dad. She came out and visited me with E2 over father's day weekend last year and this year she wants us to go to Walt Disney World (without Dad) for the holidays. I worry about my dad. He's 10 years older than my mom, 40 years older than me. He had a DVT, a blood clot in his leg, this year which can be very bad, even fatal. He has high blood pressure (crazy wife maybe?). His hands have started shaking and he went to a Neurologist and it is likely that he has Parkinson's. (The good news is he's gotten real about his estate planning but that lead to him sending a crazy distressing email to his lawyer on which my siblings and I were cc'ed on saying I want to leave everything to my three daughters. I am legit afraid every single time I get an email from my parents because of this shit.*)

My Father-in-Law

Hubs and I are moving about an hour north, as you know. We currently live a 20 minute walk from his parents' house, it's about a mile. My FIL has come over to our place maybe twice. My MIL stops over fairly often, for example she brought us balloons for his birthday and stopped by to hide a graduation present for his sister. My BIL and SIL, they both live with their parents, come over maybe once a month to hang out.

I haven't talked to him about this so what I'm complaining about is all hearsay. But Hubs has said he's incredibly upset about how far away we're moving. He can't handle that and I can't handle how out of sorts it sounds like he is because we're moving just under an hour away. I can't even!

I live a three hour plane ride away from my parents. My mom seems like she might be turning into an alcohol because of divorce stress. My dad has Parkinson's and the DVT this year. My grandma has dementia and is slowly leaving us. At my cousin's wedding in June I realized that the last time I saw my grandpa was at my wedding. He lives in California and I don't have enough time or money to go out there and while he visits my mom our travel schedules never over lap. He fell this winter; he ended up with a skull fracture and had no memory of what happened. Thank goodness my stepgrandma found him. E3 just left to teach in Taiwan for a year.

A week ago I let my homesickness and stress loose on Hubs and I just bawled. Anyway, I am annoyed with my FIL since it kind of seems like he doesn't really care about me or how I've moved so far away from my family so that Hubs can stay near his family. An hour isn't that far away, we'll see them just as often as we used to but I'm still over three hours and $400 away from my family and I love them and I want to see them. I just feel like the sacrifices I've made get no respect or consideration from him.


I have been freaking out about the Ebola outbreak in West Africa. I am half-Nigerian. I have and aunt and uncle, their spouses and cousins who live there still. I've only meet my dad's brother and sister because I haven't been there. But there's been two confirmed cases now in Lagos, the largest city and one of the largest cities in the world. A traveler from Liberia wasn't showing symptoms when he got on a plane and when he got off he was sick. Now Nigerians have it. I am so worried.

If it comes to the US I am worried for my dad and E2 since they both work in hospitals where they might be exposed to someone who is contagious before it's confirmed that they have the disease. My dad is old and E2 is type 1 diabetic so I worry about their ability to deal with a bad infection.

</rant> Thank you for reading all those words. I really just needed to let that all out, again since Hubs has already heard this once, and blogging is cheaper than therapy especially since I have a $15 copay.

I thought this was a low blow as I had previously expressed concern that I often half wonder if I should have been diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum because I am sometimes socially awkward and as Hubs describes it I have the emotional depth of a small puddle. I'm pretty sure I'm within a standard deviation of normal but sometimes I think I must be pretty close to being outside out one standard deviation from the normal in terms of socialness.

*Please excuse my language this once, this situation calls for strong words.


  1. Oh, sweet girl! How brave you are for sharing your heart! I'm sending you a GIANT hug. You're going through so much right now. All the major life changes. It's so a lasagna. For what it's worth, I don't think your declining and then following that up by repeating your request that your parents not involve you in their divorce is good self care. Setting an appropriate boundary is never easy...especially with people that you love...who are really hurting. You're new home is GREAT! So adorable! I'm Nigerian and hadn't heard about the Ebola outbreak!! Must go read more... Keep breathing and taking good care of yourself. Everyone in your life will adapt to all the changes - in time. Even the lice you two are going to send packing :-)

    1. Thank you! I need the most support regarding my parent situation and it is hard sometimes to do what is best for myself even when it's hard for my parents. The Ebola outbreak in Nigeria has been clearly traced to a Liberian-American man who got on a plane. The 10 or so people in Nigeria with Ebola all had contact with him.

  2. Correction: I think you DID practice good self care (rather than I don't think - as I wrote. I had started to write that I didn't think it was harsh)

  3. oh wow, Bless your heart girl. you are dealing with sooooo much but I pray it gets easier for you. Just keep doing what's best for you and your happiness and others (family and FIL) will have to find their own happiness. keep your head up and keep chasing after your goals with love and passion.


  4. You sound stressed to the max. I wish I could say something really comforting. When my parents got divorced it was the opposite for me. I had my dad trying to get me to tell my mom stuff. I had to stop talking to him until the whole thing was complete. Do you ever Skype with your mom? Maybe you can talk to her about it that way and she will see your reactions.


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